One more mother freakin’ month. 28 more days. 16 weeks down. 4 months behind me. I can hardly believe I’m this close… I can taste it. I’m on the home stretch. Every day is one day closer. Every workout, every meal, every struggle… One closer.
Not sure if I already told y’all, but coach gave me another refeed! This time around, I didn’t get the choice of what I wanted. He said a burger and fries and only a burger and fries – but I’m not one to complain! It’s quite the story, so hang on tight… I had my refeed on Tuesday of this week after my leg day. Soooooo, basically I scoped out the most dope burger joint in the Rosemount/Apple Valley/Lakeville/Burnsville area and I came across the menu at Burger Jones.
I placed my order for pick up and drove the 20 minutes across town to find the place. All of the items were a la carte and I swear my burger and fries ended up being almost $25! I ordered an Original Burger with swiss cheese, bacon, and (wait for it) cheese curds. Later I learned this was NOT my best idea! I also ordered a frie sampler – it had regular fries, sweet potato fries, and parmesan waffle fries. The sampler came with a bunch of dips/sauces and I got the chipotle aioli, green chili sauce, and an apricot sour cream kind of dip. You guys…. This meal was absolutely unreal. I was on Cloud 9 and it was so. damn. good. I ate the burger, moved on to the cheese curds, and devoured the fries. I didn’t finish the fries, but I did eat everything else. I will be the first to admit that I ate too much. My stomach and brain was telling me, “stop, stop, STOP”, and I kept going. I eventually cut the shit and through the rest of the fries in the trash. I remember driving back towards the dance studio to teach and feeling so full. But…. My self control turned off when I thought of sweets. In my head I thought, “I’m already having a cheat meal, a little extra treat isn’t going to make a difference.” PS… WRONG. I WAS SO WRONG. So here I am, pulling up to Byerly’s and stopping at their bakery. Guys, I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t need anything. But I guess I WANTED it, so I let myself go inside. I came out with a cannoli AND a caramel-peanut butter-chocolate chip brownie/cookie. It was HUGE. Not only did I buy 1 treat I wasn’t supposed to have, but I bought 2. At the time, I didn’t care. My hormones were raging and my tendency to binge was in full force. My demons re-visited me once again. I finished both desserts.
I didn’t feel guilty after I ate the burger and fries, but I did feel guilty after the two treats that I wasn’t allowed to have. While I was eating them, I enjoyed every bite. Both desserts really were delicious. But when my body started to absorb the nutrients and the food started being digested, I got terribly sick. Like, so sick. My body completely rejected the food. First of all, I ate way too much. I ate two days worth of food in about 75 minutes. Second of all, my body isn’t used to dairy (cheese curds), grease, or the insane amount of sugar and salt I just inhaled. My body HATED me. I was in the middle of teaching class, and I had to walk out. I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes with diarrhea and the dying wish the just vomit it all up. I’m not going to lie, and I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I actually tried to purge. I tried to gag myself to make myself throw up. I didn’t succeed. BEFORE any assumptions are made, I didn’t do this because of guilt, I attempted this because of how sick and uncomfortable I felt. My body wanted that crap gone. Eventually, I pulled myself together and taught the rest of the night but in extreme discomfort. I couldn’t drink any water without doubling over in pain. Because my stomach was already so stretched out from all the food, drinking water and making it expand even more just made it a million times worse. The frustrating part was that my mouth and lips were so dry. All the sodium in my body was pulling the water out of every cell of my body… I was so thirsty, my mouth was so dry, but I couldn’t drink any water without feeling like I was going to puke. I was incredibly bloated as well – I could have easily passed for 6 months pregnant. Not kidding.
That night, I fell asleep in a lot of pain and discomfort. I woke up still feeling uneasy, but I still did my fasted cardio. I didn’t eat on Wednesday until 2pm… 23.5 hours after my cheat meal. I didn’t eat for almost an entire day. One, because I was still not feeling well. Two, because I was still full. And three, I wanted to reduce the damage I had done.
My body bounced back incredibly fast, and I looked back to normal in about 15 hours after the meal. My body is still feeling a little weird and holding water in places it usually doesn’t, but I know it will pass. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t let my binge disorder sneak its way back into my life. I wish I hadn’t eaten so much. I wish I would have found the will power and discipline to not stop and buy 2 treats. But, I can’t change anything now. I can’t go back and “undo” it, so al I can do is forgive myself, accept that it happened, vow to not let it happen again, and simply move on. It’s just a bad day – I did not and I will not fail.